Sleep to Dream

I use to be a dreamer. I would spend days sleeping just to dream. My dreams varied and often were out of my control and yet I strove to dream. It was there I could make the life I wanted the life I “dreamt of”. I didn’t realize that life itself is a dream. “Row, row, row, your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream”. As a child hearing that song I was frighten. Frighten by the fact that life was false and that somehow or another I would one day not wake up and realize that this part of “life”/living was a dream.

Traumatized by that I became an insomniac. I never wanted to miss a beat. A moment of what was “going on”. Sleepless nights and days was not important to me. Living and seeing/consuming everything around me became the utmost of importance.But while not sleeping and trying to embrace life, it slowly starting slipping away from me. Instead of making life a reflection of the reality of my dreams I saw the horrors and nightmares of what I thought it meant to be awake. The injustice to man from and by each other. The harshness in which people struggled to survive and in anxious decided this wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. The life I dreamt of was elusive to me. The life I lived seemed unbearable and so I returned to sleep and dreaming. I’ve spent most of the rest of my life dreaming of how things would be if I were the maker of my destiny.

The other day it dawned on me that God has always granted me the power to control how and what it was that I saw. What I hear and the things I choose to listen to. Most importantly I realized who I wasn’t listening to. I wasn’t listening to me. My inner voice filled with the love and light of God just went dark. I faded away and the things around me became darker and asleep I went.

I’ve been fighting the temptation to dream. To keep my thoughts a prisoner inside of my head. I feel like it is my duty to break them out and to create into the world the things I see. The things I feel. The things I know. We deserve so much better than this. Thinking and knowing are two different things. But life and dreams are the same thing. It’s the only reality that we have to bring forth the greatness trapped within us all.

Balancing Act

In my life I’ve always striven for balance. As one who cannot hover in the cross of unknowing shades of grey, I either am or am not. I have often thought of myself as one who gives what they get and get what they give. While the latter part is not necessarily true because of others selfishness I realize that giving what you get falls short of not only what I want but what I need in order to survive (surviving being the ability to live in this world of it).

Being spiritual I know the difference of being and the difference of existing. Existing I want to tie myself to something tangible in this world. I want to feel grounded, known, appreciated, like I matter. Being, I know that I matter. I know that I may never know how I affect the lives of others or whether my actions have any real consequence in the world in which we exist – but in Being, I have faith. In faith I know that my value of existence can’t be measured in the things I would have reassuring me.

My balance. This thing that seems often to elude me does it’s job well. I’ve been chasing after this idea my entire life thinking that it is obtainable. What a joke and one that I’m learning to laugh at.

Life is about giving not receiving. When you give you receive beyond comparison. When you give, the worth you afford others is paid back immeasurably.

My father has often taught me no matter what someone else does, you do what you are called to do, what you are expected to do, what you need to do… I always thought, well that’s unfair. Why should I follow through when others give up or give in (whether circumstance or choice). I’ve since learned why your choice should not lead to the circumstances of you failing the world, another person or yourself because of their failure. If all contributions (or attempts at them) lead to failure we would have nothing to show for it.

We make time for the things we take the time for. What does that have to do with balance? What does that have to do with existing and being?

Giving is a privilege. It is a “rite” (which the root word and origination of has to do with math… equations). Getting the tie in yet? Equating…I think the reason why I like the show “Touch” so much because it is a reflection of how each and every action or inaction on our part consequently affect each others. Balancing and the act of it becomes making the world one in which all things are equal. No one thing (person) is great then the other. NOW, the time of the present, the choice of the present, the ability to exist is all a tie to BE-IN-G.

Be-In-God in my mind. Whether religious or not. When you take into consideration others (as God does) your focus, the turn out and the input for the greater good of us all is put into BALANCE.

In our lives we see inflections of this in civil rights and the equality of all. We understand that everyone is entitled to freedoms but fail to see how our choices affect others. Existing becomes the mode of being… Being, gets lost in existing. Seeming like one in the same we are lost to confusion. A trick. An illusion. The sacrificing of our freedom by the limitations of the “other/s”.

I believe like God. I think at times like God (in only a way that I understand His thoughts in my mind because I do not claim to know His thoughts or even the ability to fathom His “understanding”). I’m learning to accept people and things as they are and love regardless. In our world, it seems impossible at times but its doable only to those who get it done. Doing is the act of accomplishing but done is having accomplished the end result.

I want to stand up and scream if I thought someone would listen. Would benefit from what I’m saying… what I’m meaning… More often then not I feel like my words fall on deaf ears. I feel that people go with easy because putting in work, real work (aside from lazy non-doers) seems more like a don’t then a do. Why do so much when you can do so little (and seemingly) get the same compensation? ß That is an illusion by the way.

My above words are meant as an ignition to ignite the passion in others to not only treat people as they want to be treated but that knowing in giving selflessly, giving whole heartedly and without restriction creates a balance that manifests itself in the world. It’s seeable beyond the agreeable hope and imagined idea of “World Peace”. It’s one that everyone hopes for but doesn’t believe in. It starts with each one of us doing our part and not succumbing to greed, lies and power (for they truly are the downfall of us all).

“You take away the ability of choice when you present an illusion as truth” – Known

(I believe this blog to be undone)

Feelings & Emotions

Balling up a piece of paper is what you feel. It’s an identification with an action that causes you hold something tangible. To focus your being toward an object for destruction.

Emotions are what carry you through. What gets you from here to there. What moves you. What keeps pushing you and challenging you. What forces you to deal and face the very things you’d wish you could run, hide… cover your face up from. Bury your head in the sand type ISH.

But seeing the sun. Well that’s something different. No matter how you see it you SEE THE LIGHT (God reference – isn’t He Good?! All the time). No time to let your guard down and let in something that just wants to get out. When you free yourself… when you allow something to exit you without you stuffing it back in and keeping it somewhere it doesn’t want to be… YOU ARE FREE.
Two feelings often related and misunderstood to be the other. So like many things in our life the opposite is confused with truth and truth the opposite of confused.
Emotions now can exist without feelings. How you say? because it does not need to be in order to exist. What I say? I mean that an emotion being something that moves you is created in the moment. Like the first time you hear a symphony or something like that… (A ha…) At first glance it is amazing. Beautiful to your eyes because your ears have yet to witness and put into motion the idea of what it creates and represents in front of you. MOVING…

Emote I believe is the root of that word. (Websters online) – to give expression to emotion especially in acting.

Feel is a false safety. It makes you think and often go with your first response. Well if you didn’t take Chemistry would you still know how to do it?

Definition of FEEL transitive verb
1a : to handle or touch in order to examine, test, or explore some quality b : to perceive by a physical sensation coming from discrete end organs (as of the skin or muscles) 2a : to undergo passive experience of b : to have one’s sensibilities markedly affected by 3: to ascertain by cautious trial —usually used with out 4a : to be aware of by instinct or inference b : believe, think <say what you really feel>

RIGHT!!!!

What more can I say that I haven’t already? The words define themselves. They are tangible. But the realist real of it all is that I have emotions. Feelings I choose to have. Just because one isn’t expressed doesn’t mean the other is absent.

It’s like love+feeling=physical(sex)
love+emotion=eternal(faith)

Emotion, motion, the act of moving is linked to perception only in that what you think as movement, as responses, reactions, appears to the eyes. But like brainwaves, when unmonitored how can you determine the activity that spikes lines like giant waves. In a flash, the instant of an instance, past the darkness, pass the light, past and through all the boundaries that would hold me prisoner, stuck in the smothering, burying of the joy that is my soul the happiness that is my being… there is no measurement… no gauge… no way to see if what is – is there… like a flashback, a dream lived in the moment of that moment I move through motions admiring, acknowledging, accepting and letting it go. How do you sum that up into words? The actuality of and totality of being? #wordsLOSTamongMEANING

Are You Any Better?

This subject relates to everything in particular but mainly I’m talking to me.

Are you any better? Every second you take a step forward and a step back. You’re living in the future. In your own future. Your mind is so focused on what you want to come that what’s here is beyond your reach. You may at times realize and appreciate things on a smaller scale but what about the things that matter? What about what you could do to make it really count?

Give up control. Give up what you want to happen what you’ve come to expect. Live in the unknown the here and now. Stop guessing, predicting, aggravating the situation: life.

It’s really not that hard to 1. Let go and let God. 2. stay right where you are. Stay with me here. Pay attention. Be present. Do all the things that being in the moment allows you to do where you are. FOCUS! I feel like I’m being redundant but obviously I can’t seem to remember these things when I’m in the moment. Maybe I should read this every day so I know when to stop.

I can make schedules, I can assign time so that I may accomplish the goals I’ve set for myself. Try the things I wanted to do. Write my life away but to me it sounds easier then doing. To me I’d rather apply myself to not applying myself because it’s easier to fit in then to stick out.

All the people who are motivated by money, imagine what they are wiling to and do to get money?! Now imagine if they carried that same passion over to something they love they’d be able to feel completed. To be rewarded for something you love doing, well that’s what the dream is about right?

That’s me. In a nut shell and in a future that I see for myself. Not realizing that the present is the time I’m suppose to make it. In the now I’m suppose to work towards it.

I asked if I was any better and I’ve yet to answer that question. I don’t like to make mistakes. I also don’t like going slow (or at least I’m starting to believe that in my actions).  I like to continue to move forward until we come to stop. Stop sometimes means get off and sometimes it means well stop.

 I’d be better if I stopped making the wrong choices. But what would I learn? I’d be better if I focused but then I can’t help but to think about the others things I’d like to see. I want to see so bad I create. My fiction traps me because I’m stuck in a fantasy. I’m stuck in a fantasy because my future is not present. I’m not present because I’m not.

Discouraging Discouragers (be gone!)

 What is suppose to seem like a “simple statement” is never actually is. When we think of “misery loves company” we simply think that people who aren’t happy don’t want you to be happy because they aren’t. Well, there’s nothing simple about that statement and if you don’t think that you’ve allowed the person making that statement to rob you then you’re wrong.

We have parents, family and loved ones who tell us “you can’t”. Like “misery loving company” simply because they can’t imagine themselves capable of defeating odds or “doing the impossible” they embark on a campaign that convinces you of the same! You can’t. Their limitation because your limitation. Your limitation becomes another’s limited ability. It’s a vicious cycle that continues from one to another like an infestation (meaning – to spread or swarm in or over in a troublesome manner).

My dad has always told me there is no such word as can’t. I didn’t realize how right he was because I was too young to grasp what he was actually saying. He wasn’t saying Taalima if you apply yourself and don’t succeed then you don’t succeed. He was saying that you are only limited by what you limit yourself to. If you don’t try you won’t succeed (another supposedly simple statement).

The truth is we can “do anything we put our mind to”. The sad truth is that we don’t believe it. We doubt before there is proof but we want proof in order to believe. Think about it. We doubt before there is proof but require proof in order to believe. We are discouraged and in the process of fearing and lacking we are limited.

Fear, (meaning – to be afraid or apprehensive) keeps us in check. It keeps us in a place of constant discouragement. It keeps us relying on it. It feeds on anything that is contrary to it. Fear is an irrational state of thinking. It’s not in accordance with reasoning which gives you the sense that rational is rational. Or the agreement of what’s “normal”. (What do I mean? Moral coding is so different from one individual to another because of our abilities to rationalize what’s WANTED instead of what we KNOW – you might have to read my blog on love to understand the fullness of what I’m really saying.)

Fear keeps us ensnarled in the web it creates. Like those afraid of spiders, bugs and other things that can’t harm us (or don’t even mean to do us harm). People fail to see how they make a difference. How they add to the greatness of our experience. Like spiders who catch bugs that are often considered pesky to us. They’re like natures own “exterminator”. Yet they are feared based on a discomfort. Take comfort in the fact that we all share in this experience, this life, this planet. Fear is a form of lack and there is more then enough space for us all to “survive”. (Remember too that the creepy things, the crawly things came before us and in a sense inherited the places in which we make our domains.)

To go back to an idea, normality we think of as a paradox. It is something I’ve often said and thought to be true. I’m not normal. I don’t want to be normal. Normal is. What it isn’t are the people who try to define themselves in it. People who say they are normal are often hiding behind the word. Too scared to live up to who they are TRULY they put on a façade of what they think wants to be seen. Hmm… they are discouraged to be who they are because? People are discouraging toward our true nature.

What I have learned and what we all must understand is that we are truly only limited by our limitations. It’s a self inflicted wound. It prepares and sets the foundation for fear which untreated affects our lives and the lives of others.

Warnings and restrictions are a way to limit what’s capable. We reserve special names for those of us who are able to remove barriers as Masters (and any other name you would like to associate with that term). We think they are the only ones who can do it because it seems that so few are “able to GET IT”. You’re right. So many people are willing to limit themselves so that they can’t get it. “I can’t do that the way he did it!” Why? Humans are all capable of obtaining the same levels it depends on willingness to apply and the understanding that you CAN!

Despite what you think you know, (which I’ve said before, as long as you’re thinking, you’re questioning; as long as you’re questioning you don’t know) you can as an idea and as the truth is liberating. It releases you from the bondage that fear will place on your life. It releases you from lack. Most of all, it release you from discouraging discouragers.

I believe the song goes something like “can’t no one hold me down, I have to keep on moving”. Keep moving. Keep being unstoppable and there will be nothing in life that gets in your way.

What Happens When Love + Love = No Love At All?

You are left wondering where did the love go. Well the love didn’t go anywhere. It’s still there the people aren’t. (If you believe as I do that the energy that flows flows for all time, That once created it, it doesn’t ever disappear it becomes something else) Sometimes we focus too much on the wrong things that we don’t see the right things.

Then there is always the chance that two people don’t see the same things and see things differently/from a different perspective. No one is wrong and no one is right. When you see that and are willing to get past it or at least try, ( if all things are a “work in progress” – you make progress through work, repetition and gradually) nothing get’s left out. You’re remembered because you remember to. You do because it should be what it does. 

Although some of us are able to and ready to get things in moments (genius in your own way) there are a few that still believe they can’t simply because they hadn’t even tried. (I was once and maybe still that person. I’m trying new things all the time but I guess not applying all the new things all the time./I never know what i’m saying. Even as I read that back I think I try those things and it seems they don’t work or i’m doing it wrong.

Even when things have rules you have to wonder if you’re doing those right why are they not working out? THere comes a moment and you realize (AHA) that if you’re not doing what IT says then you have to be honest with yourself. It’s not going to work. love + love = no love as long as whatever you’re trying is what’s causing you to part from it.

We start off wanting to blame God but that doesn’t work. IF you blame God for what you do then you weren’t hearing the love you’re trying to seek. Loving one’s other “self” takes a talk you have to always be willing to have. It takes you to take the moment and apply all the things you’re thinking to God. (It takes you a moment like this to realize. Be grateful for and enjoy the tears that burn and sing down your face for a joyful reason.) You are who God wants you to be. It’s a matter of you thinking (not that you’re really thinking and thats the problem) that who you are and who everyone else  IS, the Love of God (the One. Being at One.)

We struggle against the contrary (contrary-a fact or condition incompatible with one another according to Merriam Websters dictionary) and think that in turn we are struggling to get the things we want. Listen to that. Struggle, struggle, struggle. Who wants that? Not you, not God.

With ease I let the words flow into me
poetry, I rhyme and reason for a purpose
for a season.

I love and let if flow from me a whole of me that takes control of me. the good the memories of what we had.

But I have something, Someone, some love that loves the best of me. That loves the whole of me. That completes me and promises to set me free. My God.

And although I may treat Him unfairly He gives me love unconditionally as long as I let His love in. He keeps me from the harm of sin and protects me like I am the image of Him. Something not to be tarnished but polished.

I’m learning to focus. My distraction is the attraction for breaking away. From leaving this life of punishment, tiredness and energy draining things that make me less then who I am. Less then who I’m meant to be. We have to learn to truly let go and let God.

This is not the… hmm anybody want burger king? kinda crowd. It takes you to think that you’re grown to realize you are still a kid if you think your way can be “the right way”.

It is something scary to truly ex\\accept because everything else in life has made you feel like it/you weren’t trustworthy of the self (the preservation and survival of the chills you think of as frills which leads you to shaking the Goodness away.

If I’m learning nothing else that for every push there is shove. For God there is only love. The one real constant. Love + Love = Love. You would know that if you knew yourself.

We have to learn that we are the words in which we use to convey from one another to each other. When we do that there is nothing to misinterpret but rather a knowing (an already convinced idea). Hence you are who you say you are literally.

Too often we seek and are at the will of the wrong things. Thats why all those things

(money, sex, food, sleep) when placed before God doesn’t bring the happiness you’re seeking. I guess another thing i’m learning. Or I can say I learn is that a good distraction is a greater sin. There is always a time and place for each of these things because the point is not to be without it’s to be WITHIN! 

Don’t worry. You’re always changing and adjusting to who you’re going to be but like time there is no visual change only what you want to see when you look there. It’s a constant. Change is. God remains the same. You could remain the same if you didn’t continue to get distracted.

When you let go and do so with a different  “lead” = Leader/God you realize you’re going places you’ve always thought & knew you could go. Doubt is a distraction. It keeps you from what you want faster then anything else. As soon as the thought “I can’t” (my real in person father told me from a young age that there is no so word as I can’t and yet I was too blind to see it. I could have saved my own life in that moment and instead I used the words he said and never forgot but HELP ME SING IT…. DIDN’T APPLY.

Application like practice is what gets you there. It truly is a snowball. Tiny thousands of little individual snow flakes rolled into one and combining to continue and  make a force that cannot be stopped. (Sound familiar? God…) And just think, is that who we are suppose to come. Who we are in His image. And it all starts with a thought. Love.

Until we can see that in ourselves we won’t ever see it in a person. “We create” shouldn’t be and yet it is a paradox in which we often illude ourselves to. YOu wonder how you get there when really you know the answer. Somewhere along the lines you walked off the path and instead at arriving you got lost somewhere.

There goes that word. Struggle. You wrestle with the idea and why the bible tells you that God literally wrestled with “your idea” it’s because it’s not His and it shouldn’t be you. We spend so much of our lives trying to tune things out. Look ahead and “get there” that we’re always right where we are. Still questioning and still unknowing. The words touch me in a way that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. 

Unknowing makes you feel trapped. It leads to doubt and I guess thats why they are kin. These ideas my sound familiar but they are my words. They are Gods words and thats why it sounds so familiar to us. We are echoing an unknowing thing and God tries to help us know but answering. Too often we’re too busy talking still to pay attention. (I guess me like right now)

When you make everything Good in your life. Your life is good. It’s a responsibility to yourself and you even start to notice that those around you are good too and blessed by your pressence. Hmmm… love + love = love.

We always say well we have to be realistic. God wants to know and i guess you should too that when you’re being realistic what are you being “real about”? What you think? or what you know?

Why do people fall out of love themselves with essentially themselves (or other halves I believe you call it?) Because we were never taught to believe that we were truthy worthy of it; deserved it; recognized it; EMBRACE IT; because we thought instead of knew what love is. You wouldn’t have to do all that you would just LET IT BE. Remain the constant of what IT is AND WHO IT IS (that is also we. Start to know it, start to show it and watch what grow-eth) We plant the seed that becomes a tree. The only way to rot is from the inside out. Outside of you (like this world and the things we think “damage” us is only the image) in can then only be a reflection of what you’re casting (your sense of beauty) – or 

A lot of us use the word so loosley that some don’t believe in it’s meaning. It’s why hope is such a powerful thing. You are willing to imagine so much more then what you feel is limited to you. It’s not love.

Listen people, thoughts like beliefs leave you to believe there is something you don’t know. Space even if a tiny one can create a place where the negative lies and (in) wait-s.
When you love passionately – when you love in a way in which you are not focused the absurdity of it melts away. Like time you realize you can exist unlimiteldy. A way in which you are not limited, weighed down but instead lifted up like help me sing it… GOD. A force beyond measure and yet so great No one Thing can contain IT but all the things that contain it does!!!! It took me a second to catch on to that too!

I almost tried to lose myself but I’m taking the moment to remember that which applies and is actually real, realistic not being a focus but rather a knowing. You are and God is something beyond measure, so great that that all the things/people/places the meaning of what a noun is. the all inclusive is apart of that which includes you.

I am not done…. Everything you see are the things God created. When you see yourself in them all you see is God and then things He created in you. The things in which you also help to create. He gives us and inspires within us the power to create. Thats what love is. It  is creating. Creative. Created. It is alive and spreads into the very things that go into it’s making. You are what you make should be what we truly mean when we say you are what you eat!

People get lost. Easily. Too easily. Forgetting that instead of laughing at “you are what you eat”, remembering that it means you are that which you make. Art, love, war. It’s the only to love = love + love.

It seems that I can stop here or keeping going. The greatest thing about ending is that I know there is no end. No time. There is only that which I create and once started it can’t be stopped. It was created at the beginning and it will be always LOVE. (NOT – No One Thing in which you choose to leave behind).

Life will take you where you want to go, Hope will take you where you wish to be. God will lead you to what you truly are. The power lays within the word. The word lays within our heart. Our Heart is what leads us to love. Love is a knowing. Knowing is acknowleding the absence of thought. Thought robs us from creating. Creating that which is created(LIMITLESS.) Free’s us from the notion of time. Time has no beginning or End. No end means you can continue going. Love remains true to ITself, it continues going. Truth is what you know when you learn to know God. You are God and all these thing that become apart of you is exactly the same thing He had in mind when He Created us in His image.

12:37am. Wedsnday March 15, 2011. Full.

You’re Trying Too Hard

You’re trying too hard. It’s hard to focus when you try to hard. Sometimes just letting go and letting it come to you is the best way for it to happen. If you’ve noticed anything you try to hard to do ends up blowing up in your face. You’ve put so much energy into getting it done that you’ve somehow lost the original meaning of what you’re trying to do. You’re also about to be a hypocrite. Maybe you have the wrong idea of that word. Maybe you’re just someone who changes (a little too often) but changes just the same. Sticking it out, tried and true, stand the test of time; all things people say when they want to give excuses to themselves. If so many others did it before and it still doesn’t work for you (whose to say that it worked for them?) maybe the solution is to change.

Do it because you want to not because you have to. What joy comes from feeling like you’re forced to do something? If you are running away before you even get to it maybe you need to consider that it’s not something you should be doing. Or worse, the idea of succeeding scares you more then you’re willing to admit. When it’s right, it flows. It comes so easily that there is nothing you need to do but let if flow. When it flows you’re soaring… you’re higher then you would be on any real drug. Maybe that’s scary, and if it is maybe you need to fight whatever demons that are making you feel like that essence, that very Being of being is wrong.

I can’t force myself to write anymore then I can force myself to do anything else. The problem is I’m trying to force myself into doing something. I’m thinking why am I not doing this? I should be doing this! But then I have nothing to say. Just like forcing myself to do – I don’t know what I should be doing it just feels like something! I get distracted easily. I mean thinking, listening, learning, loving… all those things I get distracted from I’m suppose to pay attention to.

You would think I was reckless with my life the way this sounds but I’ve never done anything bad. I’ve never really gotten into any real trouble. I guess I decided a long time ago that I’m a punk. But really it’s just that I never lashed out outside of me. I never did what people did – to me but.. I go thru feeling like I’m up I’m down, I’m up I’m down, I’m up I’m down… Do I really think I’m depressed? No. I think depression is real. As someone who may have suffered from it (unless there is some type of imbalance with your hormones or something medical along those lines) it’s a choice. All the times I was “sad” wondering and thinking what am I here for I? I was making that choice. To be there to have those feelings. That’s what I thought I felt like. Like nothing. Indifferent, unashamed just so willing to let go and just be. But I never actually feel that way. When I was sad I was experiencing the sadness around me. It’s like… there are no words.

I’m learning to have my own feelings. I’m learning to try and care when others say they care. I’m trying to open up all of me. I’ve done some of the work already, but I still have a long way to go. Working on yourself is work. Yes the whole point is not to give up. Not to stop caring Not to be DISTRACTED! Sometimes I just want what’s next. It’s not an excuse and it’s not…. See there I go again. Already forgot that I was suppose to be staying the course. Maybe and this is the real answer here… maybe had I done that from the beginning I would be where I wanted to be right now instead of finishing up something I left behind!

Thank you me for this one. Sometimes I know things and then well I just forget. Thank God for remembering (He’s where I’m trying to be. See my light?)