Well, you know!?

(Baseball)

What if your life were a movie? What if everything around you was trying to tell you something give you a hint – point in the direction that you’re suppose to go? What if you didn’t listen? What character – who would you be in the end? The survivor? The dead? The guilty? The weak? The innocent? The ignorant? The criminal or the cheat? Between me and you I’ve been a bad girl but who I choose to become is truly a reminder and a reflection of where I will be. Passing by my dirty secret, this life… no longer exists. Secretly we want to be exposed. We want the world to see us in our glory and shame. We’ll never live up to the perfections we hold others accountable for. We never see that our lives are the movies. It is us in creation because we were created. To exist in the perfection of being as is. Trying counts just as existing does. Do not just exist for time to go by. For things to just go away. You have the power and the more you fight it the more defeated you will become. Looking around and wondering where did life go? It passed in the moments you chose not to pay attention. The moments you let go by being distracted about things you don’t even think of. Energy counts for something. Like the forward motion of propelling oneself forward you discover- learn= function= adapt= adjust… like perfection. Defects exist because we break down. Stand up and watch the moments of your life, the events of birth, death  =love. It will had all been worth something and what it is to you, well you know…

Reflecting

What you see, is NOT what you GET

Mirrored are our reflections

But we are merely inflections

Of  OURselves

Our resemblance uncanny

It’s hard to see our differences…

And yet they do exist.

Opposed and exposing – the flaws

that LIE

in truth is all to be seen.

Cracks run deep.

Foundation weakening…

How do you hold up – what wants to fall down?

Give way to the growth

Dying inside…

Give birth to what’s trapped inside

Mirrored are our reflections

interjecting are our perceptions…

ALL being deceptions.

Beyond looking-alike, we often seek those who reflect us… in a way in which we ourselves cannot be shone. Likeness is what we are made of.

Inflection – M-W.com (Merriam Webster)

3a: the change of form that words undergo to mark such distinctions as those of case, gender, number, tense, person, mood, or voice b: a form, suffix, or element involved in such variation

Day One. Right Now. (Quickie)

I thought and by the time you get this, it will be late. But I thought about what i was doing and then thought about what I wanted to do and got lost in thinking which took up more time then what my worth was when it happended but didn’t transpire. What I didn’t put through was the effort it actually takes to becoming who I will be now. Each moment is essential to the build up of me. Each move I make directly affects the path I will take. The people I will encounter, the ideas that will cross, the names and faces of unknown people to meet. Thats later and although this is now we coexist. Always wanting to go where you’re trying to get and never getting there means that you’re lost. You don’t make it. Never arrived. Hmm…. So many people love the show Lost but didn’t and misunderstood it. Well, we’re lost.

The point is to try to make it. You only got one time to do it. You got one chance to make it. A single choice.

30 Days & Counting

Dream, a life is real…

Thirty Days and Counting: Pt. 2

So for the next 30 days I’m going to live my life sober. While yes I also mean alcohol and smoke free, I also mean- me awake. Focused. Paying attention with a direction and a goal.

I’ve attempted such things as this before. It’s familiar because I can’t seem to wrap my ahead around the idea and notion that persistence to existence is the path to perfecting the art of practice.

I normally go into things knowing how to do it or with the ability to “learn quickly”. While that has worked and gotten me through… it is the very thing that holds me back… holds me under.

There is no fun to thinking you’ll know what will come next. Suggesting and guessing at what you’re future will be with out putting first your foot forward in the moment.

That’s 30 days. Each day I will dedicate myself to the moment. To the point/focus of that which I_can and will be doing. To the things I say I should, could, would – have wanted to do.

Sober with a focus scares me. I can do sober but I’ve had no focus. Nothing to steer me in the right direction of focusing my attention… Well, I want to do something… well.

I pretend to dedicate myself to things that are real when I can be dedicating myself to real things. Real people. Real causes. Real life. Real me.

Me. Thirty days of getting to know me. In a nutshell I guess. Breaking the silence by living in it. Clearing my mind of the things I want to do in the next moment. Writing it down. Storing it away never to be seen, doing, done…AGAIN

Learning. (not to chase ones tail as if running in a circular motion) What it takes to discover the process of injesting to enjoy.

Okay. So veggies, fruit, exercise, writing, 3 physical activities, reading, organizing, planning, scheduling, marketing, creating, feeling… I mean I’m all in.

Cold turkey and not a chicken (#noDUCKING) http://www.WUSgood4daGOOSE.com

BIRDIE!

Sleep to Dream

I use to be a dreamer. I would spend days sleeping just to dream. My dreams varied and often were out of my control and yet I strove to dream. It was there I could make the life I wanted the life I “dreamt of”. I didn’t realize that life itself is a dream. “Row, row, row, your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream”. As a child hearing that song I was frighten. Frighten by the fact that life was false and that somehow or another I would one day not wake up and realize that this part of “life”/living was a dream.

Traumatized by that I became an insomniac. I never wanted to miss a beat. A moment of what was “going on”. Sleepless nights and days was not important to me. Living and seeing/consuming everything around me became the utmost of importance.But while not sleeping and trying to embrace life, it slowly starting slipping away from me. Instead of making life a reflection of the reality of my dreams I saw the horrors and nightmares of what I thought it meant to be awake. The injustice to man from and by each other. The harshness in which people struggled to survive and in anxious decided this wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. The life I dreamt of was elusive to me. The life I lived seemed unbearable and so I returned to sleep and dreaming. I’ve spent most of the rest of my life dreaming of how things would be if I were the maker of my destiny.

The other day it dawned on me that God has always granted me the power to control how and what it was that I saw. What I hear and the things I choose to listen to. Most importantly I realized who I wasn’t listening to. I wasn’t listening to me. My inner voice filled with the love and light of God just went dark. I faded away and the things around me became darker and asleep I went.

I’ve been fighting the temptation to dream. To keep my thoughts a prisoner inside of my head. I feel like it is my duty to break them out and to create into the world the things I see. The things I feel. The things I know. We deserve so much better than this. Thinking and knowing are two different things. But life and dreams are the same thing. It’s the only reality that we have to bring forth the greatness trapped within us all.

Balancing Act

In my life I’ve always striven for balance. As one who cannot hover in the cross of unknowing shades of grey, I either am or am not. I have often thought of myself as one who gives what they get and get what they give. While the latter part is not necessarily true because of others selfishness I realize that giving what you get falls short of not only what I want but what I need in order to survive (surviving being the ability to live in this world of it).

Being spiritual I know the difference of being and the difference of existing. Existing I want to tie myself to something tangible in this world. I want to feel grounded, known, appreciated, like I matter. Being, I know that I matter. I know that I may never know how I affect the lives of others or whether my actions have any real consequence in the world in which we exist – but in Being, I have faith. In faith I know that my value of existence can’t be measured in the things I would have reassuring me.

My balance. This thing that seems often to elude me does it’s job well. I’ve been chasing after this idea my entire life thinking that it is obtainable. What a joke and one that I’m learning to laugh at.

Life is about giving not receiving. When you give you receive beyond comparison. When you give, the worth you afford others is paid back immeasurably.

My father has often taught me no matter what someone else does, you do what you are called to do, what you are expected to do, what you need to do… I always thought, well that’s unfair. Why should I follow through when others give up or give in (whether circumstance or choice). I’ve since learned why your choice should not lead to the circumstances of you failing the world, another person or yourself because of their failure. If all contributions (or attempts at them) lead to failure we would have nothing to show for it.

We make time for the things we take the time for. What does that have to do with balance? What does that have to do with existing and being?

Giving is a privilege. It is a “rite” (which the root word and origination of has to do with math… equations). Getting the tie in yet? Equating…I think the reason why I like the show “Touch” so much because it is a reflection of how each and every action or inaction on our part consequently affect each others. Balancing and the act of it becomes making the world one in which all things are equal. No one thing (person) is great then the other. NOW, the time of the present, the choice of the present, the ability to exist is all a tie to BE-IN-G.

Be-In-God in my mind. Whether religious or not. When you take into consideration others (as God does) your focus, the turn out and the input for the greater good of us all is put into BALANCE.

In our lives we see inflections of this in civil rights and the equality of all. We understand that everyone is entitled to freedoms but fail to see how our choices affect others. Existing becomes the mode of being… Being, gets lost in existing. Seeming like one in the same we are lost to confusion. A trick. An illusion. The sacrificing of our freedom by the limitations of the “other/s”.

I believe like God. I think at times like God (in only a way that I understand His thoughts in my mind because I do not claim to know His thoughts or even the ability to fathom His “understanding”). I’m learning to accept people and things as they are and love regardless. In our world, it seems impossible at times but its doable only to those who get it done. Doing is the act of accomplishing but done is having accomplished the end result.

I want to stand up and scream if I thought someone would listen. Would benefit from what I’m saying… what I’m meaning… More often then not I feel like my words fall on deaf ears. I feel that people go with easy because putting in work, real work (aside from lazy non-doers) seems more like a don’t then a do. Why do so much when you can do so little (and seemingly) get the same compensation? ß That is an illusion by the way.

My above words are meant as an ignition to ignite the passion in others to not only treat people as they want to be treated but that knowing in giving selflessly, giving whole heartedly and without restriction creates a balance that manifests itself in the world. It’s seeable beyond the agreeable hope and imagined idea of “World Peace”. It’s one that everyone hopes for but doesn’t believe in. It starts with each one of us doing our part and not succumbing to greed, lies and power (for they truly are the downfall of us all).

“You take away the ability of choice when you present an illusion as truth” – Known

(I believe this blog to be undone)

Feelings & Emotions

Balling up a piece of paper is what you feel. It’s an identification with an action that causes you hold something tangible. To focus your being toward an object for destruction.

Emotions are what carry you through. What gets you from here to there. What moves you. What keeps pushing you and challenging you. What forces you to deal and face the very things you’d wish you could run, hide… cover your face up from. Bury your head in the sand type ISH.

But seeing the sun. Well that’s something different. No matter how you see it you SEE THE LIGHT (God reference – isn’t He Good?! All the time). No time to let your guard down and let in something that just wants to get out. When you free yourself… when you allow something to exit you without you stuffing it back in and keeping it somewhere it doesn’t want to be… YOU ARE FREE.
Two feelings often related and misunderstood to be the other. So like many things in our life the opposite is confused with truth and truth the opposite of confused.
Emotions now can exist without feelings. How you say? because it does not need to be in order to exist. What I say? I mean that an emotion being something that moves you is created in the moment. Like the first time you hear a symphony or something like that… (A ha…) At first glance it is amazing. Beautiful to your eyes because your ears have yet to witness and put into motion the idea of what it creates and represents in front of you. MOVING…

Emote I believe is the root of that word. (Websters online) – to give expression to emotion especially in acting.

Feel is a false safety. It makes you think and often go with your first response. Well if you didn’t take Chemistry would you still know how to do it?

Definition of FEEL transitive verb
1a : to handle or touch in order to examine, test, or explore some quality b : to perceive by a physical sensation coming from discrete end organs (as of the skin or muscles) 2a : to undergo passive experience of b : to have one’s sensibilities markedly affected by 3: to ascertain by cautious trial —usually used with out 4a : to be aware of by instinct or inference b : believe, think <say what you really feel>

RIGHT!!!!

What more can I say that I haven’t already? The words define themselves. They are tangible. But the realist real of it all is that I have emotions. Feelings I choose to have. Just because one isn’t expressed doesn’t mean the other is absent.

It’s like love+feeling=physical(sex)
love+emotion=eternal(faith)

Emotion, motion, the act of moving is linked to perception only in that what you think as movement, as responses, reactions, appears to the eyes. But like brainwaves, when unmonitored how can you determine the activity that spikes lines like giant waves. In a flash, the instant of an instance, past the darkness, pass the light, past and through all the boundaries that would hold me prisoner, stuck in the smothering, burying of the joy that is my soul the happiness that is my being… there is no measurement… no gauge… no way to see if what is – is there… like a flashback, a dream lived in the moment of that moment I move through motions admiring, acknowledging, accepting and letting it go. How do you sum that up into words? The actuality of and totality of being? #wordsLOSTamongMEANING

My Struggle is Over!

In the last few days I’ve truly come to understand that I’ve been emotional unavailable. I don’t mean that as its used in its typical fashion because “I’m not that girl”. I say that all the time because I mean it and yet I think because it has become a “typical” saying to express something other then what it means. Hmm… I spend too much time expressing things I don’t mean, I mean things… no matter how I said that my intention was to be MEAN. That’s not me. Neither is any of this.

 

I’ve been telling myself its okay to feel. Even when you don’t know what it is that you feel! It’s not that I don’t care about things it’s now that I care about everything. Everything matters. Things I never noticed matters. All things matter and even though this may only be a human thought in that I cannot and neither can you grasp what that truly means. To my understanding only one man strived to actually know that thought. He took it beyond its literally, figurative and imaginable meaning and applied it to life.

 

I punish myself in trying to be perfect. I try to live up to something unimaginable and not obtainable because the idea of being a success somehow is a lot scarier then the realization that I’m not average.

 

That’s not me either.

 

Each moment I go forward. I learn something that I didn’t know about myself or the world. Each step further pushes me move or to stop. I’m done stopping. I’ve said it before and I pray that I never say it again. I have no time because time has nothing to offer me. It takes never giving more then I’ve already gotten. The harshness of this lesson defeats some but this thought alone in this moment alone is propelling me toward God in me.  

 

I’m moving forth knowing that I can consider all things in considering me. My next steps require me to have patience and wait on the Lord. It doesn’t mean stop it means to be clear and focused on where I’m headed. No need to hurry. Assurance means not having to worry.

 

I can’t worry about who will or won’t be around. I can’t worry about what I don’t have. I know that I’m not lacking. I know that I’m greater then I’ve ever thought myself to be. I know that waiting, watching, working, will ground me in the words that I’m to be a reflection of. I thank God for this moment. I thank God that He took the negativity I was just holding and turned it into something else. Something beautiful about myself and Him and the relationship He continues to bless me with because He’s not given up on me. I pray that He knows neither have I!

 

In Jesus name… Amen

Undone

I resist doing what I think I should do because part of me is scared to unleash it and… I guess that’s really the answer. I feel like I overdue everything. Part of me wants to believe that because people have told me I’m dramatic half my life that some part of me has come to believe it. Also, I try so hard to be calm that it scares me because my calm is suffocating me. In my attempts to be the best not perfect I’ve strayed away from perfect. I know that no one is and I know that I cannot achieve that but the idea of perfection, that has another allure all of it’s own. If I made up my bed when I got out of it. If I washed dishes when I was done with them. Completed college. Finished a book I’ve ever started that didn’t involve sex or a mystery to be solved.

Maybe naturally I’m just conflicted. Maybe it’s the duality in me. Fighting equally for a chance to survive. To exist. To present the case that ultimately one side is better then the other. There are sides. Sides that constantly battle in my head. In my interactions with others. In my words. In my movements. How do polar opposites exist and yet co-exist. I’ve often wondered how I’ve kept me from becoming undone. How do I hold “me” together?

Don’t want to leave things undone

It’s like a flash bulb went off. Literally. There was a flicker at this thought. There is the one part that lives in the spiritual world. One that knows she is not less than. She is whole, complete and loved. Never lacking is the kind of thing that confidence shows and conceit embodies. Why conceit? When one knows themselves in who God is in relation to who they are then that word which means “1. An unduly high opinion of oneself” is truly justified. Often associated and used negatively (like love = love hurts – people hurt not love) the tone takes on that in which you take it.

Then there’s “me” here. In this place. In this existence that while encouraging me to be my best wants me not to be the best because of their ultimate lack. It’s easier to suppress genius then to try and out wit it. Hmm… maybe that is what a Gemini’s real duality is. Not so much the battle, the natural confliction, the conceit of knowing they are great, but functioning.

I want to let loose but not stand out. I want to be “normal” but different. I want to be the allness that IS. I just want to “KNOW”.

One of the meanings of my name is “Seeker of Knowledge”. My sign (I so want to get into how my favorite number is 6. I’m the third sign of the zodiac. I’m my own twin. June is the month in which I was born. No real relevance but there could be if you did the numbers 6, 3, 2) a Gemini which also means to seek (what it is). No one knows but God. Jesus was the only perfection to walk the earth. I strive to be like Him and yet by defeating me I’ve defeated myself that is Him.

Maybe I’ve not understood or rather I’ve misunderstood how to be of the people, by the people for the people. I guess that’s why I wanted to be a psychiatrist. One who can diagnose, treat and prevent mental and emotional disorders. WOW, that’s a laugh. A hardy laugh. God loves me for who I am. That I know. I have to accept this is who I’m meant to be. I’m being tested as are those that are placed in my life for whatever reason or season.

I often start and stop writing in one place/paragraph because I often think of something else I want to say. Well in not wanting to leave things undone I am undone. I forget that I left off. I forget the thought that I once had that would “clear things up”. I forget the knowledge I sought and seek the knowledge that I often “making the choice” forget. Everything I just said either confirms my previous statements about myself or just add to the delusion of the “me” that I am.

This whole discovery started because I look “perfection” in the face everyday and I shy away from it. I’m conflicted in trying to be who I think I should be, instead of being who God has called me to be. To be my natural self scares me because it feels as though it can’t be contained. To be who I am I would have to stand out and not want to fit in. I would have to be different and loved for exactly who I am as I am.

I guess I’d have to ask WWJD? (get it sounds like a similar story or at least to me it does)

I’m suppose to be exactly who I am is the answer. Stop trying to figure that out and just be. God says be still and I do everything but that. And I’m starting to believe this is not a coincidence.

(read next Taalima & Taaliba)

Are You Any Better?

This subject relates to everything in particular but mainly I’m talking to me.

Are you any better? Every second you take a step forward and a step back. You’re living in the future. In your own future. Your mind is so focused on what you want to come that what’s here is beyond your reach. You may at times realize and appreciate things on a smaller scale but what about the things that matter? What about what you could do to make it really count?

Give up control. Give up what you want to happen what you’ve come to expect. Live in the unknown the here and now. Stop guessing, predicting, aggravating the situation: life.

It’s really not that hard to 1. Let go and let God. 2. stay right where you are. Stay with me here. Pay attention. Be present. Do all the things that being in the moment allows you to do where you are. FOCUS! I feel like I’m being redundant but obviously I can’t seem to remember these things when I’m in the moment. Maybe I should read this every day so I know when to stop.

I can make schedules, I can assign time so that I may accomplish the goals I’ve set for myself. Try the things I wanted to do. Write my life away but to me it sounds easier then doing. To me I’d rather apply myself to not applying myself because it’s easier to fit in then to stick out.

All the people who are motivated by money, imagine what they are wiling to and do to get money?! Now imagine if they carried that same passion over to something they love they’d be able to feel completed. To be rewarded for something you love doing, well that’s what the dream is about right?

That’s me. In a nut shell and in a future that I see for myself. Not realizing that the present is the time I’m suppose to make it. In the now I’m suppose to work towards it.

I asked if I was any better and I’ve yet to answer that question. I don’t like to make mistakes. I also don’t like going slow (or at least I’m starting to believe that in my actions).  I like to continue to move forward until we come to stop. Stop sometimes means get off and sometimes it means well stop.

 I’d be better if I stopped making the wrong choices. But what would I learn? I’d be better if I focused but then I can’t help but to think about the others things I’d like to see. I want to see so bad I create. My fiction traps me because I’m stuck in a fantasy. I’m stuck in a fantasy because my future is not present. I’m not present because I’m not.