Undone

I resist doing what I think I should do because part of me is scared to unleash it and… I guess that’s really the answer. I feel like I overdue everything. Part of me wants to believe that because people have told me I’m dramatic half my life that some part of me has come to believe it. Also, I try so hard to be calm that it scares me because my calm is suffocating me. In my attempts to be the best not perfect I’ve strayed away from perfect. I know that no one is and I know that I cannot achieve that but the idea of perfection, that has another allure all of it’s own. If I made up my bed when I got out of it. If I washed dishes when I was done with them. Completed college. Finished a book I’ve ever started that didn’t involve sex or a mystery to be solved.

Maybe naturally I’m just conflicted. Maybe it’s the duality in me. Fighting equally for a chance to survive. To exist. To present the case that ultimately one side is better then the other. There are sides. Sides that constantly battle in my head. In my interactions with others. In my words. In my movements. How do polar opposites exist and yet co-exist. I’ve often wondered how I’ve kept me from becoming undone. How do I hold “me” together?

Don’t want to leave things undone

It’s like a flash bulb went off. Literally. There was a flicker at this thought. There is the one part that lives in the spiritual world. One that knows she is not less than. She is whole, complete and loved. Never lacking is the kind of thing that confidence shows and conceit embodies. Why conceit? When one knows themselves in who God is in relation to who they are then that word which means “1. An unduly high opinion of oneself” is truly justified. Often associated and used negatively (like love = love hurts – people hurt not love) the tone takes on that in which you take it.

Then there’s “me” here. In this place. In this existence that while encouraging me to be my best wants me not to be the best because of their ultimate lack. It’s easier to suppress genius then to try and out wit it. Hmm… maybe that is what a Gemini’s real duality is. Not so much the battle, the natural confliction, the conceit of knowing they are great, but functioning.

I want to let loose but not stand out. I want to be “normal” but different. I want to be the allness that IS. I just want to “KNOW”.

One of the meanings of my name is “Seeker of Knowledge”. My sign (I so want to get into how my favorite number is 6. I’m the third sign of the zodiac. I’m my own twin. June is the month in which I was born. No real relevance but there could be if you did the numbers 6, 3, 2) a Gemini which also means to seek (what it is). No one knows but God. Jesus was the only perfection to walk the earth. I strive to be like Him and yet by defeating me I’ve defeated myself that is Him.

Maybe I’ve not understood or rather I’ve misunderstood how to be of the people, by the people for the people. I guess that’s why I wanted to be a psychiatrist. One who can diagnose, treat and prevent mental and emotional disorders. WOW, that’s a laugh. A hardy laugh. God loves me for who I am. That I know. I have to accept this is who I’m meant to be. I’m being tested as are those that are placed in my life for whatever reason or season.

I often start and stop writing in one place/paragraph because I often think of something else I want to say. Well in not wanting to leave things undone I am undone. I forget that I left off. I forget the thought that I once had that would “clear things up”. I forget the knowledge I sought and seek the knowledge that I often “making the choice” forget. Everything I just said either confirms my previous statements about myself or just add to the delusion of the “me” that I am.

This whole discovery started because I look “perfection” in the face everyday and I shy away from it. I’m conflicted in trying to be who I think I should be, instead of being who God has called me to be. To be my natural self scares me because it feels as though it can’t be contained. To be who I am I would have to stand out and not want to fit in. I would have to be different and loved for exactly who I am as I am.

I guess I’d have to ask WWJD? (get it sounds like a similar story or at least to me it does)

I’m suppose to be exactly who I am is the answer. Stop trying to figure that out and just be. God says be still and I do everything but that. And I’m starting to believe this is not a coincidence.

(read next Taalima & Taaliba)

A Sober Mind vs. A Clear Mind

A Sober Mind vs. A Clear Mind

I feel as though this argument is going to be persuasive but instead it is merely a glimpse into what has now been made simple to me. You will draw your own conclusions, identify because it makes since or just read what I’ve wrote (written if you think it sounds better).

What is sober? In my opinion it is the act of one cleansing themselves of something “other”. Other falls under the category of anything that is not your original state of being. Too abstract? Sober is when there is nothing making you intoxicated (well except life because it’s a blessing).

Sober is essentially a distraction. It’s a lack of focus that keeps you from pretty much reaching your goal, following through on your word and simply put: applying yourSELF.

Sober is the form of recovery from something. If you don’t deal with that something you get lost in “dealing with that something”. We see the cycles often times in relationships, food, sex, shopping, the internet etc. We get so lost in that we can’t see the finish line and worst we don’t ever believe we’ll get there. How do you get where you’re going if you can’t see yourself there? You can follow directions but what signs are you missing. (Stop and smell the roses anyone? – what does that really mean to you?)

So there’s this recovery. Which means that’s first, there’s a second and well 3 is a graduation of sorts. You can even move on and put it behind you or…. You can move on and everything you left is behind you.

You give up when you stop trying. You give in when you stop trying. You defeat yourself when you stop trying. Defeated, you give up to be IN (should really be read defeated, you’ve given up trying), when you stop trying.

You don’t just fall out of touch with things, people, life that surrounds you that you’re suppose to be living but you fall out of “yourself”. You stop being you for the sake of something else. You struggle for a control you aren’t willing to have for yourself but won’t willingly give to God (faith in your-self, a reflection of who we‘re created to be).

You’d rather rack your brain with disappointment, fear, loathing, hate and all things that would tear you down. You feed into it. You do to yourself all the things you think others are doing to you and so you won’t ask for help. There’s always help. There’s always a way, a clear mind.

A CLEAR mind allows you to focus. It’s leaving nothing behind. It’s remembering that everything doesn’t have to be done at once but what does is important and critical to your next step. It’s taking the time to put energy into what you’re doing in the moment. It’s allowing yourself to “focus on the task at hand”.

Being the best isn’t what it’s about. Let me be “clear” on that. Being your BEST is the best reward. When you shine it’s out of love and attention to the skill that you possess. A skill can be anything that you do well. – so wouldn’t it be great if you applied yourself to everything you’ll do and take the time to get done?!

It seems that there is sense in this and yet before our eyes we see it and never see it. You have to say thank you for those moments. You have to say thank you for the clarity. To put nothing else before you, nothing but God (and for those who are non believers this is also true. My message is about God and to deny that would be to deny Him. I understand we may not see eye to eye on that but we can agreeJ ) the task at hand or whatever it is that you are dealing with becomes simple.

All those sayings “what you do in the dark will come to light”, “stop and smell the roses”, etc., represent one basic idea. When there is no distraction there is no need for a reaction JUST BE-In-G. Abstract? Okay. Sober=aSubstance-self, your lack of participation in the human experience, the experience of love and interaction with others; the ability to function.

ClearMind=( )+knowing. If you can see what’s in front of you, know it like a skill, you’ll have a clear understanding in all things big or small.

Honestly. what would your choice be?