My Struggle is Over!

In the last few days I’ve truly come to understand that I’ve been emotional unavailable. I don’t mean that as its used in its typical fashion because “I’m not that girl”. I say that all the time because I mean it and yet I think because it has become a “typical” saying to express something other then what it means. Hmm… I spend too much time expressing things I don’t mean, I mean things… no matter how I said that my intention was to be MEAN. That’s not me. Neither is any of this.

 

I’ve been telling myself its okay to feel. Even when you don’t know what it is that you feel! It’s not that I don’t care about things it’s now that I care about everything. Everything matters. Things I never noticed matters. All things matter and even though this may only be a human thought in that I cannot and neither can you grasp what that truly means. To my understanding only one man strived to actually know that thought. He took it beyond its literally, figurative and imaginable meaning and applied it to life.

 

I punish myself in trying to be perfect. I try to live up to something unimaginable and not obtainable because the idea of being a success somehow is a lot scarier then the realization that I’m not average.

 

That’s not me either.

 

Each moment I go forward. I learn something that I didn’t know about myself or the world. Each step further pushes me move or to stop. I’m done stopping. I’ve said it before and I pray that I never say it again. I have no time because time has nothing to offer me. It takes never giving more then I’ve already gotten. The harshness of this lesson defeats some but this thought alone in this moment alone is propelling me toward God in me.  

 

I’m moving forth knowing that I can consider all things in considering me. My next steps require me to have patience and wait on the Lord. It doesn’t mean stop it means to be clear and focused on where I’m headed. No need to hurry. Assurance means not having to worry.

 

I can’t worry about who will or won’t be around. I can’t worry about what I don’t have. I know that I’m not lacking. I know that I’m greater then I’ve ever thought myself to be. I know that waiting, watching, working, will ground me in the words that I’m to be a reflection of. I thank God for this moment. I thank God that He took the negativity I was just holding and turned it into something else. Something beautiful about myself and Him and the relationship He continues to bless me with because He’s not given up on me. I pray that He knows neither have I!

 

In Jesus name… Amen

Undone

I resist doing what I think I should do because part of me is scared to unleash it and… I guess that’s really the answer. I feel like I overdue everything. Part of me wants to believe that because people have told me I’m dramatic half my life that some part of me has come to believe it. Also, I try so hard to be calm that it scares me because my calm is suffocating me. In my attempts to be the best not perfect I’ve strayed away from perfect. I know that no one is and I know that I cannot achieve that but the idea of perfection, that has another allure all of it’s own. If I made up my bed when I got out of it. If I washed dishes when I was done with them. Completed college. Finished a book I’ve ever started that didn’t involve sex or a mystery to be solved.

Maybe naturally I’m just conflicted. Maybe it’s the duality in me. Fighting equally for a chance to survive. To exist. To present the case that ultimately one side is better then the other. There are sides. Sides that constantly battle in my head. In my interactions with others. In my words. In my movements. How do polar opposites exist and yet co-exist. I’ve often wondered how I’ve kept me from becoming undone. How do I hold “me” together?

Don’t want to leave things undone

It’s like a flash bulb went off. Literally. There was a flicker at this thought. There is the one part that lives in the spiritual world. One that knows she is not less than. She is whole, complete and loved. Never lacking is the kind of thing that confidence shows and conceit embodies. Why conceit? When one knows themselves in who God is in relation to who they are then that word which means “1. An unduly high opinion of oneself” is truly justified. Often associated and used negatively (like love = love hurts – people hurt not love) the tone takes on that in which you take it.

Then there’s “me” here. In this place. In this existence that while encouraging me to be my best wants me not to be the best because of their ultimate lack. It’s easier to suppress genius then to try and out wit it. Hmm… maybe that is what a Gemini’s real duality is. Not so much the battle, the natural confliction, the conceit of knowing they are great, but functioning.

I want to let loose but not stand out. I want to be “normal” but different. I want to be the allness that IS. I just want to “KNOW”.

One of the meanings of my name is “Seeker of Knowledge”. My sign (I so want to get into how my favorite number is 6. I’m the third sign of the zodiac. I’m my own twin. June is the month in which I was born. No real relevance but there could be if you did the numbers 6, 3, 2) a Gemini which also means to seek (what it is). No one knows but God. Jesus was the only perfection to walk the earth. I strive to be like Him and yet by defeating me I’ve defeated myself that is Him.

Maybe I’ve not understood or rather I’ve misunderstood how to be of the people, by the people for the people. I guess that’s why I wanted to be a psychiatrist. One who can diagnose, treat and prevent mental and emotional disorders. WOW, that’s a laugh. A hardy laugh. God loves me for who I am. That I know. I have to accept this is who I’m meant to be. I’m being tested as are those that are placed in my life for whatever reason or season.

I often start and stop writing in one place/paragraph because I often think of something else I want to say. Well in not wanting to leave things undone I am undone. I forget that I left off. I forget the thought that I once had that would “clear things up”. I forget the knowledge I sought and seek the knowledge that I often “making the choice” forget. Everything I just said either confirms my previous statements about myself or just add to the delusion of the “me” that I am.

This whole discovery started because I look “perfection” in the face everyday and I shy away from it. I’m conflicted in trying to be who I think I should be, instead of being who God has called me to be. To be my natural self scares me because it feels as though it can’t be contained. To be who I am I would have to stand out and not want to fit in. I would have to be different and loved for exactly who I am as I am.

I guess I’d have to ask WWJD? (get it sounds like a similar story or at least to me it does)

I’m suppose to be exactly who I am is the answer. Stop trying to figure that out and just be. God says be still and I do everything but that. And I’m starting to believe this is not a coincidence.

(read next Taalima & Taaliba)

Evaluating Our Priorities

In a television filled age it seems that this world if filled with people who want nothing else but to be somebody else. I wonder why? As I sit back and watch the world it is a reminder of how grateful I am to be me. How grateful God has made me in awakening and realizing who I am in Him. I love myself better then anyone else could and who I am no one else can compare. Why pretend to be someone I’m not? Why pretend to be like someone else rather then Christ? The biggest superstar, the best trend setter and go getter. Who could be better for me to follow, idolize or be like?

We think life is so hard. We think that the “easy way” is the only ways we can survive it. It’s easier living off someone else? Copying what you see? Using people to get what you want? Misleading those under the pretense of love?

Living off others makes you a slave to them. If they are taking care of you, you feel the need to take heed to their words. How they want you to behave, look, sound and yes even act. They feel like they have authority over you and you continue the notion because you’ve given up your voice, your freedom for an “easier way”. It’s not that easy. To suppress who you are, your individual and divinely beautiful self. You lose the power God blessed you with because of fear. Fear that without this person, without the support they offer you, you won’t be able to make it. You can. It’s as simple as knowing you can. Believing that you can (it is truly that simple, you realize that when you realize who you are in God). God will remind you of the strength you have when you let go and realize that the only one holding you back from living the life you want to live is within your reach.

I watch young men walk around with their “cheeks” showing thinking it’s cute (emulating – b : imitate; especially : to imitate by means of an emulator ) . Looking like everyone else. Not knowing that the message they send means “I’m available”. Funny thing is they swear they’re not gay. If your butt is hanging out of your pants what message are you sending exactly? What is the expression you’re conveying? What exactly are you expressing? Comfort? Right, because it’s comfortable walking around like a penguin, carrying your jeans every where you go?  You don’t even realize the slave you’ve become to the clothing that is “not binding you” (but is).

Is this really about coolness? Fitting in? How much of an individual can you be if you’re trying so hard to blend in? Be apart of people who care nothing for you and would turn on you if they ever thought you were greater then them?

I’m full of questions that I don’t need answers to. I don’t live in the life of pretend. Fronting, trying to keep up with the Jones’. Why not follow God, live a life of peace and prosperity? Everything that you do contrary to that permits pain, loss, struggle and dis-ease among other things. It’s funny to me that people look at God as uncaring, unloving, or just someone with too many rules and regulations to follow. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t know the truth for yourself. When you’re too lazy to do the work because you think there’s an “easier way”.

I watch young women who think it’s cute to sleep around or to move on from man to man for a buck. What is your worth? What are you proving yourself worthy of? A dollar? How can you measure your life by system that is seemingly continuing to lose it’s own value? Having a baby for money? Not caring for your child as the blessing that they are but rather what can you get for them? Wow. Where is your worth? How do you put a price tag on your life and sell yourself so short? You give up before you try and would rather rely on someone who doesn’t care for you then God who loves you and wants to give you everything.

It hurts that Love is used as a weapon. So easily said but never believed or realized they are giving themselves away to be used in a way which is counter productive. You want to be taken care of? Take care of yourself! Give yourself away to the only person who truly loves all of you and wants the best for you. You can look in the face of others, many many others and see that they are just staring blankly back at you. They have nothing to give you that will make you feel whole, complete or worthy of anything more then the dollar you’re willing to lay down for.

Children all over the world are suffering. Stuck in the ignorance of their parents, their environment, growing up pretending to be a reflection of what they see. They are confused. We wonder where the world is going wrong and fail to realize that this vicious cycle is one that continues to continue simply because of the choices we make. Be responsible (don’t be a discouraging discourager – previous blog).

HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. Life is not what you see people pretending to live on television. Selling out their friends, family and loved ones for a quick buck?! Willing to step over you and on you so they can be better then what? What is the goal? What are you aiming for? You can have all the money in the world and still not be rich. The very thing, the Spirit of God that you lack is the only thing that can see you through. It’s unfortunate you don’t see that because of the luster of all those things that can quickly tarnish.